


The Legend of Jonesy: the Sealing of Wilson

by Anonymous



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Crack, Gen, Legend of Zelda References, Swearing, Tom Wilson bashing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-09-03 00:11:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16797529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Once upon a time, a horrible evil was unleashed upon the NHL. Only a defenseman and Finnish bond villain GM can put a stop to it.Also, this is fever fueled Zelda inspired crack. I warned you.





	The Legend of Jonesy: the Sealing of Wilson

**Author's Note:**

> Let’s get this out of the way so you know exactly what you're getting into: this is literally written to fit into a fever dream, and was not beta’d at all.
> 
> I got sick over thanksgiving weekend. So instead of being a productive adult I took the opportunity to play about five hours of Zelda games then watch the Jackets/Wings game, all while a high fever did its best to fuck me over. Shit got pretty weird for a few nights, and that's where this came from. In fact I'm still running a low fever while writing this.
> 
> What I'm trying to say is this is not what I or anyone else would call quality writing, and I'm not going to apologize because I’m already aware there is no excuse for any part of this crack-riddled partial birth abortion. That's also why I didn't attach my username to it!
> 
> On the very slight chance you found this thing from googling your own name or the name of someone you know, turn back now (also I'm so sorry, but only for using your likeness in this). It'll make things better for both of us.
> 
> If you're a Pens or Caps fan you may not be as entertained by this as I am. It's all meant in good fun.

Somehow it had escaped the notice of the league for a hundred years that the Stanley Cup was a magical artifact designed to grant the first thoughts of whoever won it.

(It may have something to do with the fact that every person who won prior to 2018 generally either wanted to party or win more cups.)

It was very likely that no one would have noticed for another hundred years if Tom Wilson's first thoughts after taking the cup hadn't been “fuck Pittsburgh, fuck Columbus, the world is mine now”. But since they were, the sky cracked open, darkness spewed forth over everywhere not part of the DC metro area, and Top Line Tommy was promptly transformed into a red pig monster roughly the size of the empire state building. 

As the darkness spread westward to Pittsburgh strange things began to happen. Evgeni Malkin completed his transformation into Shrek (complete with Scottish accent as performed by a Canadian). Sidney Crosby deaged into a preteen, but due to his baby face and inability to grow facial hair nobody really noticed anything weird other than his shrinking about a foot.

But when the darkness reached Columbus, things got even weirder. Lukas Sedlak was transformed into a housecat. Artemi Panarin was a literal baguette. Joonas Korpisalo was now Joonas Korpisalo the large red doofy catfish (and had to be placed into a fish tank for his own protection). Cam Atkinson became the toddler the fans had always joked he was, and was given to the permanently hugging fusion of Sergei Bobrovsky and Nick Foligno to babysit. Alex Wennberg quit hockey to become a model. 

Strangest of all, Jack Johnson vanished entirely but turned up twenty minutes later in Pittsburgh under contract with the Penguins for the next five years. 

But all was not lost, for there were two people in the Blue Jackets organisation who escaped being kicked into this bottomless pit of bullshit: Seth Jones and Jarmo Kekalainen. 

Seth, protected by the defensive powers of the Norris Trophy, was immune to transformative magic. Jarmo was likewise protected because he had powers passed down only to the greatest franchise builders, which until this point had only been used to repeatedly trade rape Chicago over a 3 year span. 

The Norris Trophy had appeared in Seth's bed overnight, confusing him tremendously and leaving him very worried about getting accused of stealing it. But as always, Jarmo knew what was going on. 

For Jarmo had known since before he traded for him that Seth was the legendary Hero of the Blueline, and he had always planned to put his powers at Seth’s disposal when this moment came. It was clear that they must sally forth for the good of the league at large, and vanquish the big fucking pig hitting people in the face and wrecking things in DC. 

And so, they took the quickest possible flight to DC.

The beast was, of course, aware of the presence of people wielding holy artifacts and attacked as soon as they exited the airport.

When it leaned in to try to devour him, Jarmo opened his briefcase and brandished a copy of Josh Anderson's bridge deal contract in the beast’s face, cool as a cucumber. With a squeal of “WHAT DO YOU MEAN SOMEONE PAID ONE OF MY COMPARABLES A REASONABLE SALARY?!”, Wilson recoiled. 

Taking advantage of its distraction, Seth threw the Norris at its head and hit it dead between the eyes. The impact from the sacred trophy was enough to transform the beast back into a human. 

While Wilson was still reeling from the concussion, George Parros descended from the crack in the sky with the NHL Wheel of Justice, seized Wilson by the back of his jersey, and spun the sacred wheel. 

The wheel’s arrow stopped on eternal sealing, and so George Parros ascended back into the clouds with the wheel and with Tom Wilson. 

And so Seth and Jarmo went home, never to speak of this again. The damage to the cities reversed itself, the affected players returned to normal, and all was well.

Except for the Penguins, because the league ruled they had to uphold Jack Johnson's contract. 

_**THE END** _


End file.
